Do you respect your teenager? "Well, of course I do!" will most likely be your reply. So have you told them lately? "No, but I have told them how proud I am."

Respect in the dictionary means admiration or esteem, proud means pleased or satisfied with oneself, one's possessions or achievements. Can you see the difference?

To be proud of your teenagers is to be pleased or satisfied with your possession. To respect them is to admire them and hold them in esteem for who they are. Another interesting point to note is that nowhere in the dictionary are respect and worthy linked. If you do not respect your teenager right now for who they are then how can they begin to respect themselves. As a parent you have an important job here, building self esteem in your teen, and this can start at an early age.

Wipe proud from your vocabulary and substitute it for respect.

Another distinction you will need to make is the difference between quality and accomplishment. When we put much emphasis on accomplishments such as exam grades and winning, are we not teaching young people that they are only worthy if they achieve something?

What qualities do you admire in your teenager, what do you respect about them and how can you tell them? I have a five-year-old daughter who loves to draw, in fact every spare minute she draws. I used to see some of her pictures and like most of us I would say, "That is lovely darling, I am so proud!"

I then changed my focus and now I say, " Lovely darling, I really respect your creativity." I make a big fuss about all the wonderful qualities that she possesses to produce these masterpieces. Her face lights up and I get more pictures - which may not be quite what I want, but I know I am nurturing her talent and worth as the wonderful person she is.

Now, if that works on a five-year-old then what differences could it make in your relationship with your teenager? Which qualities do you respect in them? Perhaps their perseverance, their compassion or their humour, what is it? How are you going to tell them? When are you going to tell them? Just try it, and say:

"I really respect ........"

or "I really respect the way you.........."

You may get a strange look at first but keep going, you will see your teen physically stand up straight and you will see a difference. Just think what a gift you are giving them, the gift of respect for who they are, their qualities as a human, not just recognition of their achievements.

How different would your life have been if you had been told these things as a child? The great thing is that it rubs off, even on a five-year-old. The other day she took me by surprise and said, "Mummy I really respect the way you love me, even when I am naughty!"

Needless to say she had done something naughty that I was not aware of up until that point! So my challenge for you this month is to tell your teen at least once that you respect them and tell them what for. Make a list of the qualities you admire and keeping handy especially for the challenging times.

Remember first that we need to respect ourselves, so which qualities do you respect in yourself? What do you need to do this month to respect yourself? We must model the behaviour that we want to see in others.

RESPECT!

© Sarah Newton. No content to be reproduced without written approval of the author.

Sarah Newton is Britain’s best-known Teen Coach, and Author of “Help! My Teenager is an Alien”.

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