Teenagers describe to me time and time again the following situation. They have an issue they are dealing with and they eventually decide to talk with their parents about it.

So they pick their moment and start talking, but no sooner have they started then the parent has broken into a dialogue of advice about what they did as a teenager, how they would handle the situation and what the teen should do.

The teen listens, then walks away feeling dejected and misunderstood. The issue remains unresolved.

So what is the way forward? Understanding their structure of interpretation, feeling how it must be to be a teenager in today's society and all the challenges that must bring. Point-of-View Listening as we call it. This is a challenging skill and will take you a while to get the hang of.

Point of View is a three-step process.

1. Listen with your lips shut - do not comment.
2. Ensure you are listening heart to heart.
3. Step into their point of view.

Let me give you an example of levels of Point of View and how this may pan out.

Imagine this situation. Your teenage daughter comes home having been the victim of a robbery. How do you respond?

1. Listen from your point of view.
"Well they didn't have mobile phones in my day, if you will have a phone what do you expect? You should report it, they cannot get away with this! I am never buying you anything again - you should have been more careful - I told you so!"

Well, I think we have all experienced this type of listening at one time or another.

2. Listening to their point of view.
"Are you OK? Are you hurt? Did you go to the police? Where did it happen?"

Here you are listening and just attempting to gain more information.

3. Listening from their point if view.
"That must have been really shocking for you and very scary. It must be challenging being a teenager today with all this added responsibility. How can I support you?"

Here you set into the teenager's body, looking at life through their eyes, responding accordingly.

When you use this type of listening, your tone must be neutral and you must ensure that you sound sincere.

I would like to leave you with these five steps to Point of View listening. Remember this is life-long learning!

1. Step and breath
2. Connect with your teenager heart to heart
3. Physically imagine yourself standing behind your teenager
4. Now look at life through their eyes.
5. Respond.

Remember to have great fun with this and let me know how this powerful tool works for you.


© Sarah Newton. No content to be reproduced without written approval of the author.

Sarah Newton is Britain’s best-known Teen Coach, and Author of “Help! My Teenager is an Alien”.

More about this consultant.

Join the conversation.