Every parent wants the best for their child. How we decide to do that is a matter of choice.

Being a parent is a blend of instinct, experience and planning. We often can't describe how we do what we do. However, you are likely to have a signature style that guides your relationship with your children. You may recognize yourself in one or several of these pen portraits.

• Perfect parents - only the best will do. Perfect parents set themselves very high standards and expect only the best from their children. They constantly wonder about how to make things better. They are not easily satisfied with what they have now. They tend to be strongly in control. Their decisions are driven more by their values than by their child's wishes or requests. There is a significant risk of undervaluing real achievements that fall short of perfection. The children of perfect parents can become discouraged and opt out or can become very anxious about meeting expectations.

• Best friend parents - They adore their children and everything about them is beyond reproach. They are constantly wondering how to please their children and are very receptive to suggestions. They love to be loved and are devastated when their child is upset or critical of them. They find it hard to lead and offer their children guidance and firm boundaries. Love and the quality of the bond with their child is the driving force. Where the child has a strong temperament, the parents can find that they have reversed roles with their child.

• Live for today parents - They are energetic and love to get involved with what their children do. Their child's hobbies and interests become a family concern which drives how the family operates. Their homes are well stocked with tasty treats and new toys and gadgets. They focus on what is happening now and can find planning for the future difficult. They love to shop and to party and are great followers of fashion.

• Focused on the future parents - Poles apart from the live for today parent, they tend to be very driven and goal directed with a long wish list of what they want their children to achieve. Nothing is too much trouble for them, and they will go without today, in order to achieve their plans for the future. They tend to get anxious about what might go wrong and spoil their plans. Life today can be a bit dull and frugal because so much is invested in the future. Their children may follow this pattern and be self motivated and goal directed but sometimes they rebel against the austerity.

• "These are our rules" parents - These families have definite rules and clear boundaries. Communication is open and direct; there are no surprises or U turns. As parents they tend to be calm, confident and in control but can be inflexible and miss out on opportunities that don't fit into their system. Children in these families may find it difficult to become independent and to make decisions.

• Rational parents - These families also have an agreed code and a set of positive rules which guide them. However they also value discussion and want their children to be able to weigh up situations to make a good decision. The family often finds that life puts challenges their way to which there is no ready made answer, this is where the ability to listen and consider each others viewpoints comes to the fore.

Of course in two parent families there is no guarantee that both parents share the same style. You may have different views of what works. It can be a real asset when partners have complimentary approaches as long as there is clear agreement about taking on specific tasks. Parents with differing styles do need to be prepared to compromise to avoid conflict.

Each style of parenting has its advantages and its firm believers. From research into emotional well being we know that it is being truly loved and feeling secure which gives children a great start in life. In my experience as a Child Psychologist this is what really matters. Parenting style is a matter of choice and being aware of what you do does help you to avoid pitfalls. Agreement between partners is essential though that does not have to mean adopting the same style.

© Jeni Hooper. No content to be reproduced without written approval of the author.

Jeni Hooper is a Chartered Psychologist, Parent Coach and Director of Happy2Learn.

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