Divorce creates big changes for all the family, regardless of the reasons and circumstances.

How well children cope depends on what they think has happened. Although you may carefully explain what has changed between you and your partner, your child may not understand. Young childrens' logic is very different from adults.

When parents separate, a child's life changes radically. Although you may explain that it is not their fault, young children see the world through their own eyes. Here are some common misunderstandings:

•  It must be my fault.

The effect of age on children's understanding

Children of varying ages respond differently to family separation.

Babies and toddlers
• Are highly dependent on the adult who takes care of them.

• Will be aware of the practical changes in their world and may need to adjust to a new routine.

• Are sensitive to conflict and easily unsettled.

• Will pick up on how you are and may be unsettled.

Pre-school children
• Usually can talk about their present wants and feelings, which can help you make life better for them.

• May find some of the adjustments to routine hard to take.   

• May fear separation from you in case you also do not return.   

• Will be more aware of the loss of the absent parent than a younger child.

Primary age
• Grief and sadness remain prominent but may also express anger at both parents. Sometimes idealises the absent parent particularly if access visits are more exciting than everyday life.

• May need help to adjust to two lifestyles and sets of rules.

• May be unsure where boundaries are as what can be negotiated.• Older children may cover their hurt and seek distraction in play. May become uncommunicative.

Adolescents
• In addition to the above may be at risk of depression.

• Can opt out of family life and rely on peers for status and approval.

• May become pessimistic about life and lose motivation with school.

Taking care of yourself
Your children tune in to how you are feeling, even babies sense your moods. It makes good sense to take the best care of yourself that you can and to get others to help you out as much as possible.

Planning for the future
Making a good life for you and your children requires optimism and determination. Children are hugely resilient and adaptable. Be patient and prepared for the ups and downs as you make a new life.

Key areas for families making a new life are:

Communication - Keep talking about what you all want and how to make it happen.

Managing feelings - Learn to manage feelings - work out how your can all help when someone is upset or angry

Absent parent - Whatever the state of your relationship with your ex, your children's relationship with the absent parent needs support to be as good as it can be. This may not be easy and organisations and counseling can be very useful.

Planning your future
Have a vision of the future and plan small manageable steps to make changes which will improve life for all the family.

© Jeni Hooper. No content to be reproduced without written approval of the author.

Jeni Hooper is a Chartered Psychologist, Parent Coach and Director of Happy2Learn.

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