Self esteem is the comforting self knowledge that tells us we can handle what life sends our way. It's at the centre of our ability to put our best foot forward and cope with life and it gives us confidence and keeps anxiety at bay. Self esteem is how we think about ourselves and our ability to take on challenges.

However, there are many myths about self esteem that are commonly believed. Here are five of the most common and alternative approaches which will strengthen your self esteem.

Myth One: high self esteem will guarantee you success.
Success comes from what you do and not from how you feel. Feeling good about yourself will help of course but only if it leads to consistent efforts to reach your goals.

It is possible to have unrealistically high self esteem. Falsely high self esteem leads people to expect good things to happen to them as their right. They may do little towards it and get very upset or angry if they are not given what they feel entitled to.

Genuine self esteem leads to success because you are both motivated and realistic about what you have to do to create a successful outcome.

Accepting yourself as you are but holding an optimistic view of the future is the key to success. You may not be where you want to be right now but if you believe in your ability to choose wisely and make decisions you will have the resources you need to make changes.

Myth Two: High achievers always have high self esteem.
For most people this is true, because it is their motivation and persistence which keeps them focused, but perfectionists are an exception. Perfectionists set their sights too high, making it hard to reach their goals. Consequently they are often disappointed and their self esteem is undermined. Perfectionists are never satisfied with their achievements. They may have been encouraged to aim high throughout their lives and may have been set unreasonable expectations. When whatever you do is short of perfection, then you are never satisfied.

Healthy self esteem requires a realistic take on what you are capable of and what a "good enough" outcome could be.

Myth Three: Praise raises self esteem
Self esteem is a personal belief and is not created outside ourselves. General praise may not alter how we already feel. Being told you are wonderful doesn't always make you feel that way. However specific praise and feedback can be a useful source of information which we can use.

For example: Jane was giving her first presentation at work. She knew her material and trusted her colleagues to give her a fair hearing. However she wasn't sure how well she could hold an audience. She was relieved to hear her colleagues' comments later which told her that she had made the material interesting and relevant.

Self reflection and developing a strong sense of who you are and what you want is the best self esteem builder. Keep a journal where you list your daily achievements and why you are proud of who you are. This doesn't mean you will become complacent; in fact you are more likely to set improvement goals if you think about how life is going.

Myth Four: Self esteem is fixed in childhood and can't be altered
Our childhood definitely sets the scene but we continue to grow and learn throughout life. Sometimes self esteem can become fossilised when someone isn't open to self reflection and doesn't check out how well they are managing what life sends their way.

If you have low self esteem right now it may be because you are focusing on the negatives rather than the positives. Make a list of 10 things you have done in your life that you are proud of. If you get stuck ask friends and family for their opinion.

Myth Five: Self esteem is constant whatever we are doing
Self esteem is actually more like an equation which we calculate for each situation.

Self esteem = the skills required v how much it matters to me/others whose opinions I value

For example: Andrea is learning Salsa dancing which is challenging for her but she is prepared to keep going as she believes it will take time to learn. This is a positive position involving self acceptance and optimism.

In contrast: David hated maths at school but his new management post has a finance element, he is very uncomfortable that his team may spot his weakest area and think less of him. David's position is more negative involving self blame and pessimism.

You can create the mindset you need in situations where you feel uncertain by accepting how you are now but being positive about how you will deal with it. David realised he had been picked for the job and that school was sometime ago. He decided it was time to overcome his gremlin about maths and signed up for a distance learning course on setting and managing budgets. Now that he is doing relevant things with figures he finds it enjoyable which surprises and delights him.

 

© Jeni Hooper. No content to be reproduced without written approval of the author.

Jeni Hooper is a Chartered Psychologist, Parent Coach and Director of Happy2Learn.

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